Shai and Fit are together. After months of her worrying and stressing out if he did or not.

Told A about it. The conversation ended with him saying “if bb want marry bb should”. How is it that I somehow know he meant with somebody else and not him. If that’s the case what are we even doing. Why am I even here. Why am I helping him so much. Wtf am I doing even.

Feels like I’m gonna live my life in a constant heartbreak. Is this what being broken feels like.

I get mad at people not being able to deal with their thoughts and emotions. But there’s a part of me that feel that I’m only that way because I cannot deal with my own thoughts and emotions. And I don’t go around whining to people about my own demons. But it’s a good thing isn’t it? To be able to talk and share with other what’s going on in your head. At least there’s someone to help you put pieces together when you couldn’t even do it yourself. So why can’t I do the same? Why can’t I just reach out and share? Maybe it’s because of all those moments long ago whenever I open my mouth to share, it gets brushed aside because everyone else’s feelings mattered more than mine.

I feel like over the years I’m expected to suck it up and deal with shit on my own, I became that person who said I can deal with everything myself. All those moments of crying myself to sleep after getting caned and berated. Having to tell myself it’s okay. All those times being that girl, that friend who was so bubbly and cheerful. Being asked, “How do you still have that sparkle in your eye?”, even though I was crying almost every night. Being asked “How I you so joyful and carefree?”, even though I was constantly beating myself up for being a failure and never being good enough.

I didn’t even need to pretend. I didn’t even need to hide. It’s as though the mask has always been there and I was everything I wasn’t to everyone who wasn’t me.

And because of all that, when someone comes crying not being able to deal with the shit they stirred, I get angry. I get frustrated. I’m screaming internally, deal with it yourself, I don’t want to have to deal with you.

I started leaving people behind because a lot of people were constantly leaving me.

And despite everything, I want to love and be loved. But the people I love and have loved never loved me back. And I couldn’t find love in people who claimed they love me.

I think it’s bad that I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to live. Not for myself. Not for anyone. I think there are still a lot of good people on this world who will make a better impact than I ever could. And I hope they live a long life to do the good I can never do.

I grew up telling people who cared enough to listen that my dream is to make the world smile. I held on to that for a while. Now I feel I couldn’t even care less. I don’t care. There are plenty of people who are making the world smile. I’m an unnecessary speck of dust. Worthless. Unnecessary. A waste of space.

I’m too far gone to be tired. I want to be forgotten.